Saturday

Traffic ticket
Medical bills
Crying baby
Depressed teenager
Distracted preteen
Husband at work
Really
Need
A
Beer

Ok so the baby smiled at me a lot today
The kids both gave me hugs and love
The husband is heading home soon
I just need to stop making things so much bigger in my head than they really are
But I still want a beer

Metal Dream

An old dream I found

This morning i woke up from a dream. Its set in the future. I am a middle aged man working on a garbage line cleaning metal. The government had taken control of everything and now everyone works on garbage lines. They are in need of all the metal on earth. No idea why. My partner and i are more trusted so we work in the place that does the metal processing. We wash it and check it and send it on another conveyer belt. The windows are all darkened except a 50 piece sized hole where the sun shines through. We are dressed like butchers with thick rubber aprons except its all grey. The government kills people frequently for no obvious reason. We presume its for hiding metal. My partner starts telling me about a 90 year old woman we both know who died last night. I say i wonder how much metal she had. He abonishes me under his breath trying to get me to stop talking. Everything you do is recorded and simultaneously broadcast for everyone to see. So then i just loose it and launch into this fake PSI about how tomorrow is amnesty day and everyone can bring their metal to some place and they wont get in trouble. My partner is yelling over me don't listen to him its not true and trying to block me with his body from the camera.  

fight

am I mad?
am I hurt?
this warm yuck that has spread across me
my heart rate increased my blood pressure higher
I feel like
yelling
crying
leaving
making you leave
but I know what I really should do is
ignore it

in about 10 minutes you will say sorry
and I will forgive you

then wait because it will happen again
maybe someday I will learn to stop reacting

I hate so much how I feel like im walking on eggshells
I wish there would be peace and happiness in my  home

all the anger
self loathing
fear
anxiety

it makes me so uncomfortable

its not mine I dont want it please stop

but you cant
and I love you
and so I try to be a better mom and try to help you through this and try to not let it bother me and try to hug you when you let me

Funny

I just wanted to sign in and its making me post.....
I have a headache but im happy